The Trouble With Jealousy.

Dear Internet,

What does it mean to be jealous? Is it simply to wish that you had what someone else has, or is it deeper than that? Is it as easy as wishing you had someone else's playground toy, or is there something more to it?

I think that that easy definition is something that is better associated with envy rather than jealousy. Envy is defined as "feeling discontent with regards to another person's advantages," whereas jealousy is "feeling resentment with regards to another person's advantages." It is my personal opinion that these are two very different things. Someone else can have something that we want, and that can be all, and we can envy them--feel that we are not content with knowing that they have it and we don't. But jealousy is a different ballgame, I think. Jealousy is all-consuming, it's uneasy, it makes you question yourself and every second of every day you've ever had, wondering if you should've been jealous all this time or if you're silly for being jealous in the first place. The hardest part about being jealous, that I think envy fails to require, is the resistance to feeling it at all. Whenever I feel jealous, I always try to make myself feel differently. It's not a sensation I like. It makes me uncomfortable to experience jealousy, as if I'm being silly or irrational, and I do what I can to avoid it. But the more I avoid it, the more prevalent it becomes.

I've found myself becoming jealous a lot lately. Whether it's simple envy: wishing I could dance as well as another girl in my class or wondering why my body doesn't have the stamina to safely work out every single day, to full on jealousy: not being able to take my mind off of moments that happen to those I love that I will never know about, wishing that I could have just an ounce of insight...it's been happening more and more.

I wish it would stop. So I'm now faced with a question: what do I do to get jealousy out of my mind so I can continue to live my life in peace? Is it something that I just have to live through, or is there a way to expedite the process so that I can carry on with my life?

I think that jealousy is a perfectly natural thing (although there are theories that it may be culturally conditional), and perhaps it's something that I will have to continue to experience. Besides, once I stop being jealous about one thing, I'll likely become fixated on another thing, and then another, and then I'll be jealous of those who aren't jealous, or of those who have time to watch Netflix when I don't, and it will go on and on. I think what I really need to do is simply confront it. Look it in the face, acknowledge that it's there, and then move on. Just let it be. Will this work for me? Has it worked for anyone? I'm not sure, but I hope so.

Stay tuned, Internet.

-mk.