The Power of Intimacy.

Dear Internet,

I was recently given an assignment where I have to bring in something nobody in my class knows about me and tell it as a story to my classmates as a way to express a belief I have that I live my life by. The thing can be anything--happy, sad, depressing, funny, whatever--as long as it's something that nobody else in the class knows.

I really like this assignment, and I'm excited about it, but I'm running into a problem with it: I can't bring myself to talk about anything that isn't tragic or sad or depressing in some way. Why is this? What is it about the happiest moments of my life that nobody knows about that make them so I do not wish to share them with somebody else, while I'm perfectly comfortable sharing the sad things?

When I ask myself this question, I always tend to think of that old children's story about the rainbow fish. If you aren't familiar, I'll give you a quick summary. A rainbow fish is really beautiful and has these incredible sparkly scales that everybody else wants, but he refuses to give any of them away and therefore has no friends because everybody thinks he's selfish. Then one day, he decides to share his sparkly scales with everyone so that they all can have a bit of sparkle, and everyone is really happy and decides to be his friend because they all share in his beauty as opposed to him hogging it all for himself. So I have to ask, am I being the greedy rainbow fish for not wanting to share the incredibly happy intimate moments of my life with others?

I'm not so sure. In an odd way, there's something easier about sharing the darkness in life in assignments like these, because it seems like you're revealing something easier to hide than the happy things in your life. In a sense, this makes it feel like you were more successful in completing the assignment. It feels as if there's a greater impact than there would be if you were to share a happy moment. But the happy moments have had a greater impact on me. So why don't I share those?

I think it's because, like the rainbow fish with his sparkly scales, I want to keep them for myself. I'm afraid if I shared their glitter with others, they would lose their sparkle for me. They would become less special to me if I gave them out like business cards to everyone I knew, going on and on about how wonderful they were. I would have less to hold on to when I feel lonely or sad or afraid or can't fall asleep at night. They wouldn't feel quite as powerful as they do when I just have them for myself.

So for now, I'll keep those moments to myself. Because what good would my memory be of the happy moment where I was standing in a dorm room, tears in my eyes, when I was told--

--Actually, you don't get to know.

That memory shines brighter when I keep it all for my own.

-mk.