Outer Space.

Dear Internet,

Recently, someone very dear to me started to become distant. Their answers went from full sentences to single words, sometimes even abbreviations of words like "ok" and "thx." As much as I hated to admit it, something between us had shifted. And so, although I didn't want to, I had to call a spade a spade and say:

"Look, I'm kinda getting the vibe that you need your space right now. So unless I am wrong I am going to honor that."

The response I wanted was not the response I got, even though it was a perfectly valid response: yes, the person needed their space from me. And of course I would honor their request.

But it's a funny thing, needing space, especially when the person you need space from is a person who struggles with anxiety. So when this person told me they hoped I'd have a good day and I said that was unlikely, I was confused and upset about why they were confused and upset.

Here's why.

When you need space from a person with anxiety, they will think that they did something wrong. When you tell them they did nothing wrong and you simply need a moment (or several) to yourself, they will not believe you. They will search their brain, scrolling through every moment they've ever spent with or without you, wondering if that small decision or that one facial expression was the final straw that pushed you away.

When you need space from a person with anxiety, they will think that they are a terrible person. That you don't want to connect with them for a period of time because they are worthless, unloveable, not deserving of friends. They will destroy themselves from the inside out, assuming that the space you need is a result of things they cannot change, like their anxiety, their depression, or even something as simple as their hair color. They will examine every inch of themselves, searching for things to tear apart or to change. And then they will consider changing all of it.

When you need space from a person with anxiety, they will assume that you will never come back, or that when you do you'll have realized that you really enjoyed not talking to them at all. They may think that this "space" you need is really a goodbye, and that the next time you accidentally run into them at the grocery store or on the street you will avert your eyes and walk in the other direction. They believe that the next time they need to call you (and someday, they know, they will need to call you), you will refuse to answer. They believe that, even though it sounds crazy, they have lost you forever. This assumption will crush them.

So.

When you need space from a person with anxiety, a completely, totally valid thing to need, tell them why. They don't need a novel. They just need something specific and clear to tell themselves to get them through the day. This is not "I just have a lot on my mind" or "I can't tell you." This is "I have been very busy and need some time alone to clear my head" or even "I feel my relationship to you has changed and I need time to think of the words to explain it to you." Give them enough to calm their brains. Give them enough to sleep at night.

When you need space from a person with anxiety, give them a time frame. Something as simple as "I will reach out to you on Friday" or "check in with me tomorrow morning" will suffice. Indefinite times are crippling to the anxious mind. Even if at the check in you need more time, that is fine. They just need to know that you haven't forgotten about them, that this won't last forever.

And most importantly, when you need space from a person with anxiety, be kind. Be gentle. Perhaps they are panicked. Perhaps they are crying in their office, or on the street, or on the subway. Perhaps you have turned their day upside down. If you are typically their go to resource in times of struggle, suggest other resources, but do so nicely. Do not tell them what they can't do, or how they can't react, or that their reaction is a bad one. Their emotions are a real part of their human experience, and even if they seem unfathomable, they likely are very strong, maybe even scary to the person experiencing them. Their thoughts will be convincing, their anxious mind will win the battle over their rational one.

Because when you need space from a person with anxiety, their anxious mind, if only for a moment, is validated. They may have worried that this day would come.  So take all the space you need, but remember:

When you need space from a person with anxiety, your words and actions matter.

-mk.