Stepping Out.

Dear Internet,

My relationship status is...complicated. I could write about it for pages and pages, but here's a brief summary. An amazing person and I were in a relationship for four years, and it was wonderful. However, for a lot of reasons I won't bother you with, this summer we decided that maybe it would be a good idea to take a break from the intensity of our fully committed relationship, and essentially be in whatever sort of configuration was best for us without the pressure of a label. He's still my best friend, and I still love him, and we still talk every day. But we're not technically dating, and therefore have full permission to see other people if we so desire. This is working beautifully, but it started to bring up a looming question: what happens when one of us actually does choose to see someone else?

Well, internet, I now have an answer.

When he asked me if we could talk about something last night, I immediately knew what it was about. I felt it in my gut. He was horribly nervous to tell me that he had gotten coffee with a girl he knew from school and then gone to hang out with her at her apartment. And I understand why he was nervous, but he didn't need to be. This was a natural product of the way our relationship stands right now, and that's a good thing. We were together for four years and I haven't even turned 20 yet. I want him to know what it feels like to be with someone who isn't me. I think a part of him was curious about that, too. And he enjoyed himself hanging out with this other, new person.

But how did it feel to be on the other side of things? I had heard rumors about how it supposedly would be: awful. People said I would suddenly hate him, or hunt down whomever he'd been with and rip out her earrings or key her car. A coworker swore to me, "You'll think you can handle it, but in reality you'll be like, screw you! Get out of my life!" But in my reality? I didn't feel that way at all. I mean, it was incredibly emotional for me to talk about with him, as anyone might expect. I burst into tears. But the tears were happy ones. This is what I wanted for him--the opportunity to know what this felt like. And even though initially it was difficult for me to process, I was overwhelmingly happy that he had taken the chance he had, and been brave enough to be so open with me about it. It was what I might imagine giving someone away at a wedding is like--it's difficult, but you know the person will still always be in your life and there will always be love in your relationship, no matter what. It felt strong, somehow, and open. It felt like a step forward, not a slap in the face.

A part of me still can't help but wonder what happens next. What will this feel like in two weeks, or two months, or if he sees this girl or any other girl again? But it doesn't matter. It will happen how it happens, and our communication about it will hopefully continue to strengthen, and we will continue to move on living our life as whatever it is we choose to be to each other. The reality is, I can't think about all of that now, which is hard because I'm the type of person that can't wait to see what's coming for me in the future. For now I just have to live life and love those in my life for everything they are, and not worry about what may (or may not) be coming next (it sound cliche, I know).

At the end of my conversation with him, after we shared how much love we still have for each other but before we reverted back to talking about other aspects of life, he told me that the moral of our conversation was that he had given me some good material for my blog.

He was right. As always.

-mk.