So You Agree? You Think You're Really Pretty?

Dear Internet,

A few days ago, a friend of mine looked at herself in a dance room mirror with a grimace. "I'm so pissed," she announced, "because I was so skinny my senior year and now I'm just...not." I stared at her slim frame, trying to find the fat she was talking about. I came up empty. Another friend began to chime in with her own self-criticism: "I know, right? I'm pretty sure I've gained like, 10 pounds in the past week. I mean, I just feel massive." They both turned to me expectantly, waiting for me to have some negative comment about my own appearance, but all I could manage to get out was "I haven't weighed myself in two years, so I don't know how much weight I've gained, really." And then...silence.

Now let us be very clear about something. I am not a small person. I will never be the skinniest girl in the room--it's not how my body was built. I used to spend long hours in mirrors tearing myself apart for this fact, until I realized that, no matter what I did, it would always be just that: a fact. And so I began the journey to acceptance. I started living the healthiest, happiest lifestyle I can. I make kale salads and finish them off with homemade chocolate chip cookies. I exercise every day and get as much sleep as possible. I no longer rely on makeup to make me feel happy with my appearance. I feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have in my life. So why, in this moment, did I suddenly feel that it was a requirement to look in the mirror and declare something I hated about myself?

There's a famous scene in Mean Girls just like this, where all of the girls stand in front of a mirror and declare the things they hate about the way they look. One girl finds herself unable to say anything, and she's seen as self-centered and vain for it. But why? Why is it that girls can't say that they look and feel beautiful, regardless of what they're wearing or how much time they spent on their hair that morning, without being seen as self-obsessed? Is this some sort of standard we've set, that girls must give up their humility to acknowledge their own attractiveness? And is this standard the reason that so many have fallen victim to eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and severe anxiety over their own appearances?

I would like to believe, for the sake of girls everywhere, that the answer to all of these questions is no, but I fear that it's the opposite. For as long as I can remember, it's been sort of cool to think you're unattractive. You instantly became prettier if, when someone told you you looked pretty, you denied it. A simple "thank you" instantly became a sign that you were admitting that you identified as attractive, and therefore that you were incredibly self-centered and vain. But what if this isn't the case? What if, in accepting the compliment, you are not confirming your vanity but instead confirming your confidence in the part of yourself that others could see? Nobody self-deprecates if someone tells them they have had a good idea, or seem nice or smart, so why do it when someone tells you they like the way you look? Why look in the mirror and tear yourself apart as if that's the expectation, when you could accept your appearance and move on to the things inside of you that could change the world?

I hope that the girls I was with in the big dance mirror chose to go home and look at themselves as if they were queens. I hope they took the time thank themselves for all of the wonderful things they do in this world with their bodies as vehicles for the impulses of their dreams. Because in reality, the way they weigh in on a scale doesn't matter. The way they weigh in on the world does. And I know they won't want to do it lightly.

-mk.